Caledonia Argus

Commentary: Three Christmas wishes

Posted: 12/23/02

by Andrew Miller
Argus Columnist

Partly because the holiday season is a time to reflect on life and the world, partly because I tend to confuse the story of Santa with the story of Aladdin and the Magic Lamp, I share with you these three Christmas wishes. If you find them wise and true, hold them in your heart; if you find them distasteful and irrelevant, feel free to speak ill of my in-laws.

(1) That peace shall prevail on Earth

The most destructive disputes in world historyñ Sparta vs. Athens, Bosnia vs. Serbia, Packers fans vs. Vikings fansñ could have been avoided by a simple commitment to the ideal of peace. Plus, for guys like me, who bleed easily and canít land a punch, it makes life a whole lot easier.

(2) That the nations of the world will rid themselves of nuclear weapons

Self-interest motivates this Christmas wishñ Iím an avid birdwatcher, and itís tough to enjoy the majestic, effortless flight of the oriole when a mushroom cloud obstructs the viewñ but it would behoove us all to disarm. This may not be the best of all possible worlds, but to my knowledge, itís the only one where you can find a reasonably priced all-you-can-eat buffet. Letís keep it intact.

(3) That the people of Caledonia will stop poking fun at my bookbag

When I was just a wee tyke, my father once said to me, ìSon, if you want to succeed in this crazy world, youíll have to make do with whatever bookbag the good Lord allots you.î And I have, Lord knows I have. No, my bookbag might not be Ali Babaís treasure chestñ it might not even pass a routine health inspectionñ but heck, Iíve made do. But you Caledonia folks, what with your gold-plated, diamond-studded briefcases, and your bejeweled, woven-silk satchels, have no tolerance for a young man and his tattered, bacteria-infected bookbag. I eagerly await the day when I can walk down the street and not be judged on the basis of race, color, creed, or sack orientation.

Res ipsa loquitor. Peace and God bless.

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