Posted: 9/7/04
Parents can act to prevent bullying
Guest speaker offers many thoughts on behavior of bullies and those affected
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How to deal with bullying Barbara Coloroso gave a lot of information about her three components of bullying: the bully, the bullied, and the bystander. Here are some of her main points. The bully: Bullying is a deliberately hostile activity that is intended to harm someone. Bullies feel they have the right to dominate and abuse another person. Some adults see bullying as normal teasing, “boys will be boys,” and not the predatory aggression that it is. Coloroso’s seven steps to stop bullying include discipline, creating opportunities to do good, nurturing empathy, teaching friendship skills, closely monitoring TV and video games, engaging in constructive activities, and teaching ways to do good. The bullied: This group of kids is singled out because they are different in some way, Coloroso writes. There are many warning signs of kids who are bullied, such as showing an abrupt lack of interest in school or a drop in grades, taking an unusual route to school, and doing something out of character. Look for physical signs too like torn clothes or injuries. Kids often don’t tell about being bullied because they are afraid of retaliation or are ashamed of being bullied. “They might believe that adults are part of the lie – they bully too,” Coloroso writes. The bystander: This third part of bullying refers to people who aid and abet the bully by standing by, looking away, or even encouraging it. “Bullying is challenged when the majority stands up against the cruel acts of the minority,” Coloroso writes. Some of this can be done by enforcing playground rules and increasing supervision to help reduce the incidents. But much of bullying goes on under the radar of of adults. Adults need to give children the tools to be able to stand up for their own rights, to handle conflicts nonviolently and develop a personal code. It is not an easy task, and there are no simple solutions, Coloroso feels. More information: Much more information on bullying is available in Coloroso’s book, The Bully, The Bullied, and The Bystander. It can be ordered by calling 1-800-729-1588. Her website, www.kidsareworthit.com, has a lot of information too. |
By David Heiller
Argus News Editor
Teach kids how to think.
Increase responsibility and decision making.
Give kids a choice.
Those things might not seem closely connected to bullying, but they were stressed by an authority on that subject on August 30.
Barbara Coloroso, who is considered a national expert on bullying, gave many tips to the 150 people who listened to her for two hours in the Caledonia Middle/High School auditorium.
It all starts with giving children the opportunity to make choices and be held accountable, Coloroso said.
There are no problems that kids can’t solve, she said, but they need the chance to make decisions and think for themselves.
Coloroso has written a book called The Bully, The Bullied, and the Bystander, and she talked about all three parties.
Bullies are motivated by contempt, not anger, she said. It’s based on feeling that someone is not worthy of respect. Bullies get pleasure from someone else’s pain, she said.
Bullying can be physical, Coloroso said, but conflict and fighting are not necessarily a part of bullying. “Children who don’t fight make lousy spouses,” she said.
Verbal and relational bullying – things like shunning, rumor, gossip and excluding people – are big issues also.
Children who turn a blind eye to bullying are an equal part of the problem, Coloroso added. That’s where the element of choice comes in. Children who are independent thinkers, who question things, have a better chance of not standing by and letting bad things happen.
She gave as an example Army Specialist Joe Darby, the man who reported the prison abuse at Abu Ghraib prison in Baghad, Iraq. He was known as having an independent streak, and didn’t go along with his peers.
Parents play a big part in all of this, Coloroso said. “Don’t treat a kid the way you yourself wouldn’t want to be treated,” she said several times.
Coloroso also discouraged the use of rewards for certain behaviors, like giving pizza parties to kids who read a certain number of books. “We’ve got to teach with pizazz,” she said. “We don’t have to bribe them.”
She paraphrased a photographer friend, who said, “Do good, because good is good to do.”
Often the response to bullies is to tell the people being bullied to make changes. “Let’s retarget the target,” some people say. That’s not right, Coloroso said. Correction should be aimed at the behavior of the bullies and those who witness it.
School working on it
Coloroso’s visit was part of a District 299 educational effort aimed at parents and staff, said Julie O’Mara-Meyer, one of the people on an anti-bullying committee who brought Coloroso to Caledonia.
People see bullying differently, so having Coloroso address both groups meant that everyone would be educated in the same way. That helps identify the problem, O’Mara-Meyer said.
The entire District 299 staff went to Winona earlier on August 30 to hear Coloroso speak on bullying.
“I think that parents are grateful to hear that the school is taking this on, being proactive about it,” O’Mara-Meyer said.
Bullying is a problem in every school and not just Caledonia, O’Mara-Meyer feels. There are pockets of places like unsupervised playground areas, on buses, or in bathrooms where bullying takes place, she said.
As the kids get older, the problems get worse, so it’s important to educate the children if it happens to them or if they witness it, O’Mara-Meyer said.
Anti-bullying work is being done K-12, with counselors and administrators doing the lion’s share. Educating the staff was important so that they could identify the problem, but teachers and assistants don’t have a lot of time to deal with it, O’Mara-Meyer said. That’s why communication is a key part of it.
“It really is a whole community thing. Because parents need to know what they can do if their kids are being bullied,” O’Mara-Meyer said. People should call the school is they suspect a problem. Caledonia Elementary School’s number is 725-5205. The middle/high school is 725-3316.
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